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| June 29, 2007
Top Ten Ways to Improve Hey Paula
10. A sassy black assistant, like Florence on "The Jeffersons" 9. Slow motion replays of her falling in formalwear or hitting her head on limo doors 8. Make it "less pitchy" 7. More subtitles for people allegedly speaking English 6. Scratch and sniff cards (mmmm, smells like Vicodin™ and lattés!) 5. "Being Bobby Brown" crossovers 4. Drinking game rules during commercial breaks 3. Trainwreck sound effects 2. Replace Paula's interstitials with commentary from Ryan 1. Cancel it. June 08, 2007
Metrobus Mornings
Me [motions toward seat]: You mind? Man [moves bag]: Sorry, man. My head: I wish I hadn't left my book. Man: [Points out the window to women at the next bus stop] Check that out, my man. There's some fine women out there. Me: Yeah, I guess so. Man: Mmm, look at her. Fine looking women! My head: I wish I hadn't left my fucking book. Man: I don't know, man. I love women. Love 'em all. My head: Oh jeezuz, I really wish I hadn't left my fucking book. Man: [turns to me] You know man, I can understand two women... My head: OMFG Man: I mean that sounds nice. But two men. All hard. Why would anyone want that? My head: OMFGOMFGOMFGOMFG Me: I don't know what to tell you, man. Man: I had a friend, you see. He went to prison. He was like 16 when he went in. He comes out at 43 and he's all wearin' a dress... My head: I will never forget my book ever again. Or my iPod. Man: ... and all of his friends, we're like 'what the hell happened?' and he's all [high-pitched voice] 'this is what they made me like in there!" My head: I need to practice pretending I'm a deaf-mute. Man: I don't know how they can be like that. Me: ... Man: I mean, look at the Bible. My head: Oh no. Here we go. Man: Like, you know, Moses... My head: Umm... where the hell is this gonna go? Man: ...and, what's her name... Mary. My head: Moses? Mary? Oh, this is good. Man: I mean, if God made them a couple then that's what it's supposed to be like right? My head: WOW! Me: I don't know. I guess it takes all kinds. Man: Yeah. I just love women. I ain't getting married though. Nope. You know, you might find a woman and you provide for her and you love her and what not. But then she goes to work and she finds some dude who has more bank. You know.... And then she goes off with him and then you got nothing. You just can't trust women, man. Woman standing in the aisle two people in front of us: Shut your damn mouth! Man: [laughing] Naw! Woman: Just 'cause one woman does that doesn't make it all women's fault. You're ignorant. You need to be re-educated. and with that they all leave the bus at U Street as I sit and wonder the whole rest of the way to M Street why I didn't stand up for my homo-brethren like she did for women. June 01, 2007
Listen Up!
 Beth Ditto, you're my hero. If you haven't already done so, get yourself some of The Gossip's music. And if you're really looking for a treat, get yourself the MSTRKRFT remix. Gene Frenkle would approve. Labels: music |
Sister Bernadette's Barking Dog: The Quirky History and Lost Art of Diagramming Sentences - Kitty Burns Florey  Sublimation Point - Jason Schneiderman 
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