blah, blah, black sheep    
butcher's chart
April 28, 2006
What a Feeling!

When the lovely and talented CT and I attended the Franz Ferdinand/Death Cab for Cutie show at DAR, I misheard one of opening act The Cribs' lyrics. I thought I heard "he pissed into your face," which made me think "Wow, a song about watersports. That's daring. Like Khia's never-safe-for-work anthem to rimming."

It turns out that the lyric was something more akin to "dissed you to your face." More understandable than what I heard, I suppose.

Whenever I think of misheard lyrics, I think of the first one I remember mishearing. I was about 10 or 11, the world was crazy in love with Flashdance, and in the title song for the movie I thought Irene Cara was singing "Take your pants off and make it happen."

Turns out it was "Take your passion and make it happen."

I guess it just goes to show you adults with dirty minds usually were once children with dirty minds.

April 26, 2006
Confessions of a Mackenzie Astin Wannabe

Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. It's just my way. Lately, I've discovered a little thing to watch at 3:00 in the morning when sleep just won't come. I was fumbling through OnDemand and found out that I can watch episodes of The Facts of Life whenever I please.

take 'em both, and there you haveI know, technology is just wonderful, isn't it?

Fortunately it's the good Tootie-Blair-Jo-Natalie-Mrs. G. years. As any TFOL aficionado will tell you, this was the series' zenith. After the awkward too many girls, Molly (yes, Ringwald), Nancy, and Sue Ann years when Tootie was just a gag on rollerskates. And before the awful Clooney mullet, Beverly Ann Stickles era.

It occurs to me that I spent a better part of my formative years watching TFOL. I also remember my third grade chorus singing the theme (co-written by Alan Thicke) at a recital. This was at a Catholic school, no less. The next year we sang "Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong." I guess we were a progressive Catholic school.

I had a habit of coming up with storylines that could get me cast on my favorite televisions shows. Being the white kid the Huxtables adopted, being the cousin who moves in with the Keatons, a spin-off of M*A*S*H called Kids' War, and so on.

So, when Mackenzie Astin showed up one day as Andy Moffet, I was extremely upset. I was supposed to be the one who hung out at Edna's Edibles/Over Our Heads. I was the one who was supposed to be the manager of Sexy Lingerie and get the girls to met El Debarge ("You Wear It Well" is on my iPod). Though I don't know that I'd want to be adopted by Cloris Leachman. No offense, CL.

Can you tell which of the following is not a real episode of TFOL?

1.) Despite her parents' refusal to allow Tootie Ramsey to go to see a Broadway matinee with the girls, she decides to go the city anyway to prove she's "grown up." A mix-up caused by Blair's shopping excursions means Tootie doesn't meet the girls on 42nd Street, but she does meet a young hooker and her pimp who try to recruit Tootie into the world's oldest profession.

2.) When Eastland needs a new library, Blair Warner is more than happy to supply the money from the estate of her beloved grandfather, Judge Blair. While doing research for an article about the library's benefactor, school paper editor Natalie Green uncovers a shocking secret--Judge Blair fought desegregation and was a member of the Klu Klux Klan. Distraught, Blair's overwhelming guilt causes her to become subservient to her classmates, especially Tootie. Her shame grows so great the future of Eastland's new library is threatened.

3.) Jo Polniaczek's got a secret crush. After breaking up with Buddy, her boyfriend who joined the Navy, Eastland's resident tomboy grows tired of the boys from Bates Academy. Her work with the student government means she spends a lot of time around Eastland's Headmaster, Mr. Parker (Roger Perry). But it's Mrs. Parker she wants to spend more time with.

4.) Tootie's acting strange. She's doing poorly in class and ignoring her friends when they try to have conversations with her. Geri Tyler, Blair's cousin with cerebral palsy, who also suffers from hearing loss, believes that Tootie's actions are a cover-up for a hearing impairment. Will Natalie and Geri be able to convince Tootie to do something about her condition?

Bonus points to anyone who can name three "famous" musicians who appeared on TFOL throughout the years.

April 25, 2006
For Those Keeping Score

Today I realized that for the first time in our relationship, Glenn makes more and weighs less than I do. At least I'm still the younger one. Oh wait...

My plan to be a kept man who stays home to watch The View while eating bon-bons is unfolding nicely, however.

April 19, 2006
"Celebrity" Sighting

While grabbing a quick bite with fellow 'gut worker John, I just spotted Morgan Spurlock of Supersize Me fame. He was interviewing some woman at 17th and K. Maybe for his series 30 Days on FX.

Is he going to spend the next 30 days as a DC lobbyist? Because we all know what riveting television that makes.

Seems John snapped a picture...

-- from jsmjr

Why I Hate Duke University

It's more than just a basketball thing.

Take this morning. I'm getting ready for work watching CNN's American Morning. There's a story about the rape investigation. Here's the transcript, with this gem of a quote:
NONA FARAHNIK, FRIEND OF ARRESTED PLAYERS: Well, you know, first of all, if you're talking about any Duke student, we're at the number five school in the country. We're on par with all the elite Ivy League universities. Everyone of my peers is an awesome person, fantastic person and has a lot of great attributes.

Reade and Collin were both two students who fit the Duke mold of excellence. I really enjoyed both of them and having them in my dorm. It's unfortunate that they won't be there for the last few weeks of school.
Seriously--there's a possibility a women was raped and you're pimping your school on CNN? I have no idea whether these boys are guilty or not, but to suggest that because they go to a near-Ivy school that they are incapable of a crime of this nature is ridiculous. Rich, educated people commit crimes too.

Then this beaut:
But Collin was one of the more good-natured people in my dorm. He was always greeting everybody. I spent a lot of time in our study room with him and every conversation I had with him was pleasant and I only enjoyed the time I spent with both of those boys, again.
Yes, Nona, I'm sure he was really "good-natured" when he gay-bashed someone in Georgetown last year.

There's just this overwhelming smugness that exudes from most (not all) people I've encountered who went to Duke. But of course, I could be wrong, I did go to a state school. I'm probably a criminal for that alone.

April 18, 2006
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little

John shares word that the Mirror has a hot exclusive about Tom Cruise's post-labor dining plans. Do you think the silence makes the afterbirth more tasty?

At first I thought this was another made-up batshit crazy story, but it turns out that there are people who feast on placenta. There are even a number of recipes online. Some women claim it helps with postpartum depression. Do you think Dr. Tom Cruise told Brooke Shields about this?

April 14, 2006
Work Woes

One shouldn't wake at 2:30 in the morning because of a nightmare related to work. At least not when that one is me. I think this means I need to look harder for a new opportunity.

Thankfully, Friendster has some suggestions for a new career. If only I could be assured I wouldn't actually have to touch dirty hippies.

April 12, 2006
Making the Plague Fun Again!

My friend Dan brings the following to my attention: The Creative Seder Initiative.

Um, is it just me or is there something slightly wrong in turning the firstborn Egyptian males being slain into a jigsaw puzzle?

I can't wait until Good Friday when we can celebrate Jesus's crucifixion with a gag spike through the palm modeled on the arrow through the head made popular by Steve Martin.

April 10, 2006
One Day Maybe They'll Grow into Butterflies

Eyebrows, originally uploaded by chrisafer.

I told you they were distractingly awful.

April 06, 2006
Once again...

... the Internet astounds me. Look, kids, it's Hey, Gay Eric! Apply to Be My Boyfriend, the Web site inspired by a trip to a psychic.

I have to say, I kind of like his style. It's not what I would do, but I appreciate the effort and thought that went into it. And with a question like "Defamer is to Gawker as ______ is to ______," I suppose Daniel and I have similar Internet habits.

April 03, 2006
Before Blogging

Wonkette's post "Fuck It, Nothing But Pictures of Katherine Harris For the Rest of the Day" takes me back to one of my earliest forays into Internet silliness. I was just learning photoshop. Bush had just been selected President.

I slowly became obsessed with a little woman named Katherine.

Good times. Good times.

(p.s. I also used to send a semi-regular email entitled "Bea Arthur-Related Web Site and Gay Quote of the Day.")

Where's Miss Clavel?

Let's go fly a kite

What's more fun than flying a kite in the park on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon? Meeting Madeline while flying a kite in the park on a gorgeous Saturday afternoon.

Who's Madeline?

Madeline is my newest friend. I suspect Madeline is everybody's newest friend when she meets them. She came up to Kenneth and me and wanted to fly the kite with us. First she warmed up by telling us a few knock-knock jokes.

Madeline is currently reading How to Be the Funniest Kid in the Whole Wide World (or Just in Your Class). I will forgive her for thinking Jay Leno could help anyone to be funny.

Madeline and her other friends joined us in flying the kite. It wasn't very windy, so replace "flying" with "running very fast hoping that a breeze would spontaneously start up but really not getting anywhere." After a while, Kenneth and I decided that sitting on his porch with some beers and fries from Amsterdam Falafel would be a little more fun.

When I went to Madeline to get the kite back, she asked what we were going to do. I said get some food and hang out. "You should watch the Kid's Choice Awards because Pink sings "Stupid Girls" and that's my favorite song right now."

I have no idea why that made me so happy, but it did. And that's just one of a million reasons that this was a wonderful weekend.


Things that look good on an HDTV:
Nature shows
Jamie Bamber's biceps on Battlestar Galactica

Things that don't look good on an HDTV:

Old episodes of The Simpsons
Janeane Garofalo's penciled-in eyebrows on The West Wing


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