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| August 31, 2005
Must Be That Red-String Bracelet
I know you were worried, weren't you? Hurricane Katrina Leaves Kentwood Unharmed  August 29, 2005
Guilty Pleasures
 Last year, when MTV's realityesque answer to The OC premiered, it didn't even make a minor blip on my radar. This season, however, I'm completely taken with Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County.Why the change of heart? I blame Jason, the "hunky bad-boy who surfs, plays baseball, and breaks girl's hearts." Unlike the short, twinkish Stephen who dominated last season, scruffy Jason makes me care about his relationship with what's-her-name. Will he stay with her or go off with that other chick? And what will the petite blonde have to say about the whole thing? Compelling. Completely. August 26, 2005
I Can't Believe It's Not Butterstick
Dear National Zoo, Sorry to bother you. I know you're busy trying not to kill things. It's just me--one of the general public. You know, the ones who buy your $3.50 Cokes. Yeah, so uh, I was just wondering why you've decided not even to acknowledge that the nickname "Butterstick" is a phenomenon. Bloomberg and NPR have. I can understand you not listing it officially as one of the choices for your little one-party-style Internet voting thing. Maybe there's some diplomatic thing us common people don't know about. [Did Condi get to you?] Anyway, couldn't you have given us a just a little wink and a nudge? A "hey, thanks for playing." Butterstick inspires happiness. The other names you've offered are completely inane. China Washington? Washington China? Didn't you learn anything when Posh and Becks named their kid Brooklyn and everyone [cool] snickered? You just don't name people after where they were conceived. It's tacky. Especially when the parents have to explain it to the kid and he gets really grossed out whenever he fills out a form and has to picture moms and pops getting in on. Dragon Mountain? That sounds like some place Tia and Tony need to escape to. You weren't even really trying, were you? I mean, even Apple and Jermajesty are leaps and bounds above these names. I guess there's no chance our little fella will officially be named Butterstick. I'll still love him, despite you.  This isn't the end of the name, though. Sure, you may think you've got the baby everyone cares about now, but in a matter of weeks the world will be all "panda what?" and you'll be yesterday's news like Katie Holmes' sex life. I, for one, think we have a candidate to take on the Butterstick moniker. I believe the Internet, in its infinite wisdom, knows what I'm talking about: How does everyone like the sound of Butterstick Spears-Federline? xoxo, Chrisafer August 24, 2005
The Most Idiotic List
I used to work in higher education. Late August meant two things, the end of long lunches and Beloit College's lame list circled ad nauseum on email. Student affairs types love these things, which really offer nothing but lip service to generational differences. When I read things like "[children born in 1980] have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era, and did not know he had ever been shot," I couldn't help but wonder who these children were and what their history teachers hoped to gain by shielding them from knowledge of the Reagan assasination attempt. Here are a few of my WTF moments while perusing this list... 2. They don't remember when "cut and paste" involved scissors. Because these children weren't in kindergarten? 6. With little need to practice, most of them do not know how to tie a tie. Huh? 13. They learned to count with Lotus 1-2-3. Are all these people the children of accountants? Who uses spreadsheets to teach counting? 26. Dirty dancing has always been acceptable. None of these children grew up in the midwest? Has Beloit not heard of Ren McCormack? 49. Libraries have always been the best centers for computer technology and access to good software. Assuming you lived somewhere that could afford technology, let alone books. 62. Tom Landry never coached the Cowboys. It never happened? Did their birth somehow cause a ripple in the time-space continuum that caused Mr. Landry to cease to exist? Is Marty McFly to blame?
I Hope He Kept the Receipt
I got a call this morning from a friend who was driving to work and scanning channels on the radio. While the radio stopped at scary Christian radio station WAVA 105.1, she heard a man berate the APA for being against spanking. Then a woman said something about how she finds that swatting her children's asses brings "peace" to her home. "Spanking is a gift from God," she said.  It turns out the woman was everyone's favorite hot-saucer Lisa Whelchel.I'm not a fan of spanking. I think too often it's used out of anger. I also think it teaches that violence is a solution to a problem. My father preferred different methods to get me in line. Trust me, when your father is coaching you in your temper tantrum at Toy R Us, it sort of takes the wind out of your sails. "No, Chris, you need to kick and scream some more. Maybe if you cry louder you'll get your way. I'm not very convinced that you really want that toy." I guess that was his way of teaching me that sarcasm is a solution to a problem. Oh Blair, I liked you so much better when you sang back up for El Debarge as part of "Sexy Lingerie." But judging from the photo on your Web site, it looks like you think airbrushing is a gift from God too. August 22, 2005
Random Thoughts I've Been Meaning to Share with the World
To counterperson at BK: When I ask for a Chicken Caesar Salad, why do you ask me what kind of dressing I want? You don't ask what kind of meat I want when I say Chicken Caesar Salad. You don't ask if I want salad with my Chicken Caesar Salad. Why do you doubt me when I say Caesar? Do I look like a liar? To the possibly homeless, definitely crazy woman who wanders around Farragut: You do know that that make-up you're wearing was made for white women, right? And not just white women but really, really pale white women. Is this some sort of payback for Al Jolson? To the person on the bus who didn't share the seat very well: I'm not sure if you were an only child, but I suspect so. It takes years of practice to develop that level of selfishness. I don't have a J.Lo booty, but my ass will take up more than 50% of my seat. Yours should take up no more than 10% of mine. It would be one thing if you were a larger person, but you are petite. You just have an issue with either closing your legs or moving your bag. You actually probably have lots of issues. Judging for the amount of Purell I saw you dump into your palm and the way you covered your mouth when a woman three seats away from us sneezed, I don't think you can handle the "public" part of "public transportation." To the people waiting in line in 100 degree heat an hour before Pasta Mia even opens: It's really not that good. And you, the one wearing wingtips and dress socks with cargo shorts, that's not cute. August 19, 2005
In My Ear
Double-R tagged me for a little thing that's going around. Of course I had to do it since he said I'm an "adorkable hipster type." Ha! More like a dork with a bad hip. But, like an Internet lemming, I dove into this meme. The instructions are: List ten songs that you are currently digging ... it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're no good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the ten songs in your blog. Then tag five other people to see what they're listening to. Here's what's currently floating around my head: • Crazy Chick - Charlotte Church • Breaking the Dawn - Washington Social Club • Paralyzed - Bob Mould • Giving You Up - Kylie Minogue • Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well - Mike Doughty • Set Yourself on Fire - Stars • On & On - Missy Elliott • The Party's Crashing Us - Of Montreal • Jetstream - New Order • Keep It Up - Fannypack I'm not exactly sure what that list says. If anyone can come up with a leitmotif for 'em, I'd be impressed. I'm interested in what K-bot, Schtzo, Dumbek, Patrick, and Michael are listening to. Tag, you're it. By the way, Bloomberg used Butterstick. It's catching! August 18, 2005
The Week in Eva
 "Getting in touch with your inner sex goddess would begin with the Brazilian wax." No wonder they call it Nads. Eva Longoria Injured on Housewives Set While I'm sure we're all glad that Ms. Longoria is not seriously hurt, I can't help but wonder if there wasn't some foul play related to this incident. What are your theories on the near tragedy that befell this Addendum: Lovely headline, kids. August 15, 2005
August 12, 2005
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour (unless she's gay)
Kudos to the Washington City Paper for fact-checking the good Rev. Willie Wilson. You remember Wilson, executive director of the Millions More Movement march, who recently said: "My son in high school last year, trying to go to the prom, he said, 'Dad, I ain't got nobody to take to the prom because all the girls in my class are gay. And ain't but two of them straight and both of them ugly."Charming. Well the CP did some investigative reporting and found that: a.) Wilson's son has had a girlfriend for quite a while, so hopefully he wasn't looking for someone else to take to Prom. b.) there are no more than a couple of openly gay students at his son's school (the School Without Walls, which, might I add, is hardly representative of your average public high school in the District). c.) his son was a Junior and therefore really shouldn't have been concerned about finding a date for Prom since there is no Junior Prom at SWW. d.) no same-sex couples attended last year's Senior Prom at SWW. e.) many people would say that there are quite a few attractive heterosexual women in the rising Senior class. I suppose the truth shouldn't matter, though, when you're trying to instill fear about gay people--a point Jim made eloquently the other day. August 11, 2005
"I just made you say underwear."
When I think of underwear, I think of music. Maybe because I dance around in my underwear frequently. I do. There's even a club for people like me. In celebration of yesterday's National Underwear Day, I'd like to present my Top Five Songs Related to Undergarments: 5. "The Thong Song" - Sisqo The Thong Song is wrong. It's so very wrong. But who doesn't have a guilty pleasure for gay men who aren't fashion designers pretending to care about women's undergarments? Whatever happened to Sis? 4. "Groovy Underwear" - Pansy Division A dirty little song for a dirty little world. 3. "Underwear" - Pulp Pulp fills a special hole in my musical heart: a funny-and-jaded shaped hole. "If fashion is your trade, then when you're naked, I guess you must be unemployed." 2. "Cameltoe" - Fannypack Just don't do it, ladies. 1. "Favorite" - Liz Phair Everyone has a favorite pair of underwear. I have several. I've been known to hold onto some for too long. Glenn will hold up a tattered pair, "Honey, really, can't we just pitch these?" The answer is usually no. Underwear are like men--the longer you hang onto them, the softer they get. August 10, 2005
Butterstick's on the March!
When John came up with the idea of starting a campaign to name the National Zoo's panda "Butterstick," I immediately fell in line. He knew my love for the name was instant once I came across it in DCist. The movement was soon joined by Articulatory Loop and unrequited narcissism. With mentions in Wonkette, DCist, and today's express, one can only hope that word has made it to the Chinese embassy. I heard on the news this morning that the Chinese usually name the baby pandas 100 days after birth. Butterstick was born on July 9. I should know since I was at the zoo that day to see the otters. According to my calculations (which someone might want to check--I was an English major after all) that makes naming day Monday, October 17. This means we have a few more months to spread the word across the Pacific. Viva la Butterstick! August 09, 2005
Viva La Savage!
Dear Andrew, I hope you're enjoying your vacation. I certainly am. Oh, Dan Savage. I'm a sucker for equal parts smart, funny, and cute. And at least he seems to be able to use Blogger, unlike that Judith woman with her strange compulsion for extending hyperlinks into spaces (especially strange when those spaces were before the period of a sentence). August 08, 2005
You just made 'cause Payless ran out of plastic pumps for the afterparty
I never talk scandal. I only talk gossip.... Scandal is gossip made tedious by morality. - Oscar Wilde, Lady Windermere's Fan A few weeks back, I logged into the Verizon Wireless PIX site (because despite having a color screen, my phone doesn't seem to be able to show me picture messages--even ones of greenlighting shop boys in Sacktown sent my way by Benverhausen). While there, I signed up for a nifty little feature: daily text messages with celebrity gossip. Or so I thought. What I've ended up getting around 9:05 every morning are messages like: Film legend HARRISON FORD refuses to stop wearing his earring - despite being accused of suffering a mid-life crisis.That's not gossip. That's a publicist getting paid. I'm very disappointed, Verizon. Some of these messages would qualify as gossip with a little tweaking: Film legend HARRISON FORD refuses to stop wearing his cockring - despite being accused of suffering a mid-life crisis.See, Verizon? It's just that easy. August 05, 2005
Viva La Butterstick!
 As you may have heard, those poseurs on the Left Coast have a baby panda too. As Boi points out, they've even gone and taken our favorite metaphor:The cub, which is about the size of a stick of butter...This is just wrong. John and I are starting a blog campaign to encourage the Chinese people (who have naming rights) to dub the cub Butterstick, in honor of DCist's moniker for the little fella. It's more than a metaphor for the size and shape of Mei Xiang's little boy just after birth, though. Butterstick, according to some, is a "feat to be accomplished, a goal." To others it's the inspiration for song. And to a certain felon, it's a delicious summer squash. Butterstick. It's a good thing. August 04, 2005
Pardon My
but FUCK NO! You've already taken our airport and the largest office building in town for the Gipper. Haven't we done enough? Why don't you focus on your own backyard and rename Texas? And if that's not enough, perhaps you could sacrifice your abstinence-only educated virgins at giant Reagan idols. Just leave us alone, thankyouverymuch.
I like my humor like I like my coffee...
If I really were witty, though, would I be posting this?
August 03, 2005
All the World's Waiting for You...
I'm sure we all have our opinion concerning who should play Wonder Woman. (I'm firmly in the Dushku camp, now). Lynda Carter certainly has some thoughts on the subject:. According to the original Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter, two early suggestions for the role are too old.Okay, wait. Catherine Zeta-Jones is 35? Bullshit! I'll bet my T-Mobile she's shaved at least a few years off her age. Oh, maybe she is only three or four years older than me. I'm sure smoking while pregnant and topless makes you look older. And sleeping with the oozing wounds of a nipped and tucked Michael Douglas certainly can't help. But back to the subject at hand. I'm a huge fan of Joss Whedon, but I really hope whoever is cast doesn't look anorexic like many of his leading ladies ended up (*cough* Fred *cough*). Real Wonder Women have curves! Oh, by the way, did you know that Joss wrote the "To whom it concerns" poem Darlene recites in Roseanne? It's a fact. August 01, 2005
It's Just the Dog Days in Me
 One of my favorite parts of DC is the area around 14th and U streets. It's got a nice collection of places to hang out without the congestion (or drunken assholishness) of Adams Morgan. Despite what certain gossip columnists say, it is most definitely not Logan Circle. Even if Jenna Bush is hanging there now.This Saturday, some friends and I had a last-minute-planned celebration of my 20th hexadecimal birthday at the neighborhood's newest addition, Bar Pilar. Owned by the same folks as Saint-Ex, the place was a lot of fun and I really had a good time. I even got to sit in the barber chair. Of course, I bet with the group of friends I had Saturday, I'd have fun even in Branson, Missouri. Not that I'm willing to find out. Along that same strip are a couple of really fun shops. They're having their annual Dog Days sidewalk sale this weekend. DC people will definitely want to check it out, especially since there's tax-free shopping on lots of items. One of the stores, Go Mama Go! made me giggle uncontrollably by sending out the above postcard. It features Go Mama Go!'s owner Noi Chudnoff who has a shop full of interesting imports and a wonderful outlook on life. Of course I'm only posting this because it's a fundraiser. Philanthropy first. |
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