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| October 29, 2004
What Not To Wear?
This Halloween, I've got a wonderful costume. It's epic, really. I am going as "The Procrastinator!" In other words, in about four hours, I'll be heading to Miss Adams Morgan and I don't have a clue what to wear. It was much easier when I was in sixth grade and I lived with my mom and sisters. The night before the big elementary school parade, my sisters took one of their graduation gowns, an old-lady lace shawl, some white fabric, bobby pins, and a rosary to transform me into Sister Mary Christopher. Sadly, Glenn doesn't have shawls. At least none that I know of. October 28, 2004
I <3 Express
I know I'm not the only one who loveloveloves the "Lookout" section of Express, the free mini-WaPo given out at Metro stations around the region. I force myself to read all of the other sections and save this one for last. I like to tease myself.  This morning it occurred to me that a dream career for me would be writing bitchy captions like the one above. Whoever is responsible for this section, I thank you! You truly are the hero(ine) of most of my mornings.
Much More Fun Than "Clean/Ugly"
Last night, when I got home and turned on my laptop, I was IMbushed by the always-in-the-know Paul with a link to the World of Wonder's sneak preview of John Cameron Mitchell's video for the Scissor Sisters' "Filthy/Gorgeous." If I told you how many times I've watched it since then, you might wonder if the DSM needs a new subcategory for OCD. You'd probably be right.  Of course Paul already knew how much I'm looking forward to this video for its reported cameo of one Miss Charlotte Rae, a.k.a. Mrs. Garrett. Perhaps I should have asked those Eastland girls about it at the 17th Street High Heel Race Tuesday night. Though I think once Lisa "Blair" Whelchel sees a bit of that video, she's going to want to sauce Mrs. G.
I Also Do Parties
"I'm not ruling out taking part in a sex scandal, blogging about it, then landing a book deal." That's right, folks. I've cleared this with the better half, and--so long as I pay off the mortgage first--it's fine by him. Whether it be canoodling with Katherine or diddling Dreier, I'm an equal opportunity Lewinsky. Note: drug scandals are fine too, but I expect full hair and make-up prior to appearing in any surveillance videos. October 26, 2004
BJ and the Bears
BlogJam was a terrific success. Many thanks to Jim and Bob for all of their hard work making it a reality. I decided to mix it up a bit by reading a couple of poems. Though I went to grad school for creative writing in poetry, I tend not to post poems here (with a few exceptions). Probably for the same reason I don't post pictures of unicorns. One of the poems was something I wrote a few months back for Jeff's Blogger Penis Monologues, "Sonnet to My Penis." For my second poem, I was going to write a parody of Sylvia Plath's "Daddy" about a topic I may have mentioned once or twice before (and maybe even passed a link along to a certain not-safe-for-work web site). Of course, it was going to be called "Lindsay" (They do not fit, they do not fit, those....). Then I thought about the crowd that might be in attendance. I've been to Blowoff. I don't think many people in the crowd get all a titter about teenage drama queens like I do. I figured I'd try something different. Thus, came about my Dr. Seuss-inspired "The Bear in the Sling." I'll post that later, promise. It's not my favorite thing I've written, but I think it had its moments. A lot of wonderful people came out to support me. I can't thank them enough. Sometimes I wonder how I got to be so lucky. I'd also like to thank the rest of the crew: Jimbo, PJ, John, Michael, Andrew, Joe, and Stephen. It was a pleasure to be in such esteemed company. October 22, 2004
Duck and Cover, Y'all, It's a Zach Attack!
When I get nervous about performing in front of a group (like this weekend) what I really need to to is get in touch with my inner Zach. 
The Life of Pie
Sometimes something so delicious happens that it just sticks with you the whole day. I think I'll have pie for dessert at lunch. October 21, 2004
The Lost Boys in the Butt Hut
Tucked in the back of the latest Details is an article about Mormon boys. Apparently, in Colorado City, Arizona, on a polygamist compound, there aren't enough girls to go around. The solution? Excommunicate hundreds of young men so the girls can be second or third wives for the middle-aged leaders of the compound. This passage in particular caught me by surprise: Among the banished were a couple of boys, friends of Tom's, who had sidestepped the prophet's rules against consorting with girls by hitting on a creative solution: They experimented with each other. The prophet found out--one of the boys, overcome with guilt, could not resist the urge to confess--and he excommunicated them on the spot....I'll admit it. At first, my more prurient instincts saw this as wonderful fantasy fodder. Ever since seeing Steve Sandvoss in Latter Days, I've looked at my friendly neighborhood missionaries in a slightly different way. The more I read the article though, the more I felt awful for these kids. Cut off from their family. Ripped from the only community they've ever known. Totally unprepared for life in the real world. It's hard for me to imagine what it would be like to have a family whose beliefs would ever allow that to happen to me. You can read more about it here. October 20, 2004
Scratch-n-Sniffle
Today, I realized I was having my manperiod when my eyes welled up as I watched a movie trailer. The days are getting shorter and the skies in DC are gray. It's almost enough to make one wish he lived in a more sunny part of the world. Like Portland. Fortunately I have the Death Cab concert this weekend to look forward to crying at. Melancholy rocks! On top of that, I'm coming down with something. My throat is scratchy. My voice is fading in and out. I sound like Kathleen Turner after a bender. Glenn's been calling me all day begging me to say "Are those pussy willows, Dottie?" I suppose there are worse things than being emotional and sick. It's not like I had to paste my current head on a two-year-old photo of my body for my greatest hits record. Isn't that right, Mrs. Federline? October 19, 2004
With Apologies to Frank O'Hara
and suddenly I see a headline MARY-KATE OLSEN HAS RELAPSED! there is no snow in Hollywood there is no rain in California I have been to lots of parties and acted perfectly disgraceful but I never actually relapsed
Shameless Plug
This Sunday, I'll be taking part in BlogJam, which has a mighty impressive lineup. If you're in the area, come and watch me make an ass of myself in public and stay for wonderful words from Andrew Sullivan, PJ, DogPoet, GeekSlut, Jimbo, JoeMyGod, Bob, Toby, Waremouse, and Wonkette. I'm planning on reading something a little different, but on a topic I've written ad nauseum about. So there's a plug. But also, I'd like to point out that the photo of me on the lineup page, the one with the camera, is not the one I sent to Jimbo. I'm scared of that photo now. Or actually, scared of its fans. The Internets is freaky. October 18, 2004
Scenes from a Wedding
This weekend, I went to a good friend and old roommate's wedding. It was a lovely ceremony for two beautiful people who deserve all the happiness in the world. And I know a thing or two about happiness. It's kind of funny to realize that these are people Glenn and I have known for over a decade. Like as in over the more than 10 years we've been together. Sometimes Glenn isn't the best when it comes to details, though. Case in point: G: That's his uncle, right? Me: Brother-in-law. G: Yeah, from Antigua. Me: Aruba. G: Whatever. It's really quite cute actually. I think Glenn had had a little too much whiskey, however, when someone came up to him and said, "Glenn! Hey, remember me?" and he replied, "Phill! Wow, you've filled out!" Ouch. He wasn't the only one who had a little trouble remembering details from 8-10 years ago, though, as seen in one of my favorite exchanges of the night, wherein I apparently was channeling Li'l Jon. B: Hey. How's it going? Do you remember me? Me: [searching memory banks] I think so, yeah. B: It's B___. I used to have longer hair. Me: [vague recognition hits] Oh yeah! B: Yeah, I came down to your old house once or twice. Me: Yeah! B: I made brownies. Me: Oh yeah. B: I have a wife and kids now. Don't make brownies anymore. Me: Yeah? B: Can't deal with that legal stuff anymore. Me: Yeah. Yeah. It was a good night. October 16, 2004
I'm Foxy
I know I've got a few grays. I'm actually looking forward to the day when I have a little more salt in my pepper, because I think it's a good look. That being said, I don't know how I got on the mailing list for the Silver Fox Club, but I really hope by the time I'm eligible for membership I'm not that concerned with maintaining my "cool" factor. October 15, 2004
Gawkin' Ain't Easy
Being the role models for efficiency that we are, Glenn and I managed to fit all of our celebrity sightings into one day. And what a lovely day it was. Friday started with a morning visit to the Graumann's Chinese Theater where Christopher Walken was having a footprint ceremony. As we waited, a man in a Batman costume walked down Hollywood Blvd. sipping his latte. A short, sharp blonde woman with a cigarette in one hand and coffee in the other came up to Glenn and me. "What is this? Who are you waiting on?" she snapped. "Christopher Walken," I answered. I can see her eyes rolling behind her sunglasses (a gesture I am very familiar with, but usually on the other end of). "Why on earth..." she blurted out as she walked away to what I'm sure was a power meeting. Speaking at the ceremony were Quentin Tarnatino and Kevin Pollack. I remember a time when I always confused Kevin Pollack and Kevin Spacey. I don't know why because Pollack is obviously straight. Quentin Tarantino looked like he just got out of bed after spending seven weeks eating nothing but Krispy Kreme. Later, while (window) shopping on Rodeo Drive, we saw Larry King. I wonder what embarrasses him more: having his dirty Feeling peckish, we went to grab a bite at the Farmer's Market. While Glenn went to find a drink, I looked over to see The OC's own Adam Brody taking a seat at the table next to us. He was very skinny. I guess he was there with the girl on the show whom he's apparently dating. I didn't notice much about her except that she had the most hideous pink and purple sequined handbag I've seen this side of a tranny hooker. They finished eating before we did (since we had adult-sized, or "east coast" meals). I (half-)joked to Glenn that we should take napkin he left on his tray to sell on eBay. Or perhaps to give to a certain relative who's a big fan. We didn't. Tired from all of our shopping and sightseeing, we decided to go take a nap to save up energy for the night's festivities. As we pulled into the garage of our hotel, I saw a guy with the most perfect v-shaped torso walking towards a car. "Nice back," I muttered. Glenn looked over. "Oh yeah," he agreed as the guy in question turned to open his car door and I saw his profile. I shrieked a little. "Who is that?" Oh, only former "currently loving (male)" honoree Jonathan Tucker. I tapped into my inner imdb and rattled off his roles but I think Glenn was more concerned with his perfect upper body than his work with Tilda Swinton. So there you have it. One day, many celebs, but most of all some quality time with Glenn, who is the most wonderful company a guy could ask for. Even if he's no good at recognizing famous people. October 13, 2004
Thoughts Only I Would Have
Yesterday, as I sat on the bus that takes me down the hill to my new job (door-to-door commute of about 20 minutes!), I looked around and started to wonder if I was more the Alan Ruck character in Speed or if I was more of a Sandy B. October 12, 2004
Tan, Rested, and Ready
Um, so, yeah, I'm back. Today I started my new job. I wore a suit. I was happy to find out that I don't have to wear one really. Even if I felt damn good in it. And I'm still on a high from my vacation with Glenn. I really like it there. I really, really like it there. Here's my silly collage of pictures we took.... 
But what you can't see in those pictures is how big my smile was. I could go on and on about the coolest kids ever who I met in real life for the first time, but I really want to keep some of that for me. I did see some famous people--including a diaper-wearing news man, the definitive adorkable boy, and one of my "currently loving (male)" crushes. (No, it was not Ruffalo--I wouldn't have come back if it had been. But I hear his dapper doppelganger was in town). More on that tomorrow. October 06, 2004
They Want To Make It in the Neighborhood
I just was woken from a try-not-to-be-jetlagged-anymore nap by the sound of a headboard slamming into the wall on the other side of my head. A startled awake Glenn looked at me, "What the hell was that?" "I think someone's screwing." Glenn paused and looked around the hotel room. I could tell he was partially trying to piece together where exactly he was and partially trying to make out what I was saying through his earplugs. (Yes, I snore. A little). "No. I don't think so. There's no rhythm." "Well I didn't say they were doing it well." *** JetBlue has DirectTV. I was in heaven. If heaven were something you had to wake up at 4:30 AM to get into, that is. Some people say MTV doesn't play videos. They're dead wrong. I watched Eminem's new video six times over the course of the flight (and even got to see the Making the Video special!!). That's a lot of homophobe ass. And what exactly does that song mean? "Yeah, boy, shake that ass. Oops! I mean girl." I think someone's been taking too many purple pills again. I also shared my respects for the late Rodney Dangerfield with the crafty programmer at VH1 Classics who played Oingo Boingo's "Dead Man's Party" video. Who could ask for more? Also, someone needs to tell the people at GSN that the mid-80s version of "The Match Game," the one without Gene Rayburn, is too sad to watch. Oh, and also, as we were flying over the Grand Canyon, TVLand was playing the episode of "The Brady Bunch" where Bobby and Cindy got lost there. It was a little eerie. Okay, I'm going to go enjoy my vacation. October 04, 2004
Outrageous Fortune
Today is my penultimate (next to last, for non-English majors) day at work. They had a farewell luncheon in my honor.  I'm definitely playing the lotto numbers on the back of that one. October 01, 2004
My Two Aarons
CNN's Aaron Brown interviewed Aaron McGruder last night. I'd like to take this time to thank McGruder, the brilliant cartoonist behind The Boondocks (and a fellow Maryland alum), for saying on national television the same thing I screamed all last night while watching the debates... MCGRUDER: You know, what bothers me about shows like this, and all the news shows, after Bush talks I hear all these smart people completely ignoring the elephant in the room. And the elephant in the room, which nobody wants to say, is that Bush is not a smart man. He can't articulate well. He doesn't speak in complete sentences. BROWN: Well... MCGRUDER: And everyone just ignores it, like that's OK. BROWN: OK. So... MCGRUDER: But he's really dumb. BROWN: OK. That's a different thing. Let's say he is not articulate. And I think they would concede he's not the most articulate guy on the planet. It doesn't mean he doesn't have convictions. It doesn't mean he believes in some things. It doesn't necessarily mean he's wrong. It just means he can't express himself. MCGRUDER: But beliefs don't mean anything if you're stupid. And not only that, but he -- it's almost as though he's talking to the dumbest segment of society, whereas Kerry... BROWN: Aaron, don't you think that's an incredibly arrogant way to look at the world? MCGRUDER: It's -- you know, it's real, you know? It's just that nobody is saying the obvious, which is the man is not smart and he's the president. full transcript
SubTxt
I think the new baseball team should be the Washington Fearmongers. This morning, Glenn pointed to a metrobus ad for DC Text Alert, a service that provides "information during a major crisis or emergency." "Now that you'll be working downtown, hon, maybe you should sign up for that," he joked. "As soon as the blimp overhead sees trouble it automatically texts your cell." "Do you think the messages are like a 14 year-old girl's?" "OMG WMD WTF!" "U R N Dngr! :-(" "RICIN@IMF! CUL8R!" |
Sister Bernadette's Barking Dog: The Quirky History and Lost Art of Diagramming Sentences - Kitty Burns Florey  Sublimation Point - Jason Schneiderman 
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