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| January 31, 2004
My Moment of Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy Paranoia
It happens to the best of us. You're watching the news. You feel informed. You don't make irrational leaps. Then, you feel a rumble in the Matrix that you're sure the Bush administration has created to lull you in to complacency and you start to wonder if you listened to the State of the Union backwards would you hear "Cheney's dead. Cheney's dead"? Or something more sinister, like a subliminal cue to shop at Wal-Mart? Yesterday morning, I was getting ready for work with CNN on in the background. Soledad O'Brien was chatting up some general about the administration's near guarantee that bin Laden will be caught within the year. I'm debating whether to tuck or untuck (it is Friday, after all). Then it hits me. They've got him. They've got bin Laden right now. He's in a cell in Kandahar under the watchful eye of the CIA. His "capture" will be announced in early October, perhaps after a debate in which my candidate (ABB) trounces all over the president despite W's tiny earpiece implant through which Condi, Dick, and Machiavelli whisper saccharine nothings to him. Osama will be paraded before the cameras and poked and prodded for all the doubting Thomases to see. There will be celebrations and people will forget that Bush is a liar or that we're bankrupting our country or that American companies are getting huge tax breaks while outsourcing jobs to India or that Christianity is not the state religion or that "if you break it, you bought it" needs to apply to companies that ruin the oceans and air and our groundwater or that our credibility in the world is lower than at any other point in my (and maybe anyone else's) lifetime or that leaving no child behind sometimes means you have to actually pay the teachers who will carry them or that the airwaves belong to the people not to three or four megacorporations or that there used to be two parties in this country or that..... Okay, I think I just saw my shadow government. Doesn't that mean six more weeks of winter? January 30, 2004
Now I Don't Want To Go Off On A Rant Here, But...
Dennis Miller, you're such a black sheep, Cha-Cha. Apparently your new CNBC (*snicker*) show is going to be a Bush-mocking-free zone (because so many others in the media really rake him over the coals, right?). Fine, that's your choice. But I have to take issue with you on something. You say, "If two gay guys want to get married, I couldn't care less. It's their business. If some foreigner wants to blow their wedding up, I want my government to eliminate him." I know these foreigners you speak of are evil fundamentalists. In all honesty, though, if I were concerned about getting blown up at a gay wedding, I wouldn't be worried about Muslims from the Middle East. We don't need to go hunting outside our borders for religious terrorists. And when you allow Bush's growing theocracy to go unchallenged, I'm a little worried about you too. January 29, 2004
Gotta Love DC
Apparently natural gas service was out for some of my neighbors during the icy cold last week. I had no clue. Maybe because I was too busy unpacking to venture outside. Maybe because I don't know too many people who live in the affected area. Or maybe because I don't watch the local news since I can't handle the hardhitting, in-depth coverage. January 28, 2004
More on Magazines
While checking in on my wonderful niece (kiddo, don't get an LIT tat--it will be so 2003 in ten years), I came across an article from Dirt magazine. I remember when I was in high school, I had heard rumblings about how Dirt was going to be a Sassy for boys. I was so hopeful. I loved Sassy and spent a good portion of my journalism class in junior year with Hyun, Wendy and Diana reading their copies. It was research, we told the teacher. And it was. Throughout my teens, I begrudged the fact that there weren't any magazines for boys. Girls had so many--it didn't seem fair. The entrepreneur in me thought of pitching something to Hugh Heffner, something along the lines of P.J. (short for Playboy, Jr., natch). It would be the magazine for teenage boys. It would be the Playboy title that people really did read for the articles. It would be like candy cigarettes and happy meals, a way to rope kids in young to your brand. Looking back, I'm amazed at how precocious I was about these things. Unfortunately, I never considered the one drawback to all of this. In an era before so-called metrosexuals, would anyone but little proto-homos really read it?
Miss Tyra for Secretary of Booty Pride
Switching from NH Primary coverage to America's Next Top Model, I had a thought. I wish that when each candidate dropped out of the race, CNN would follow Tyra's lead and make his exit dramatic: a nice composite of the candidates in glamour shot poses and then Lieberman fades away. I'm so hooked on that show. Last night's episode made my hatred for Camille and Catie complete. April needs an injection of self-confidence stat. I'm still pulling for Jenascia (she's trailer hard), Yoanna (she's the tallest), and Shandi (adorkability is still in). And will someone please tell Xiomara that she's not auditioning to replace Aaliyah in Queen of the Damned 2? Someone get her a muscle relaxer, please. Me too, while you're at it. Black sheep of the day: people who make worms and viruses. I've gotten more than fifty emails in the last 24 hours with this thing. I know you're bitter over the small penis and all, but can't you find another way to express this rage? Maybe through D&D? Creative anachronism? January 26, 2004
January 25, 2004
Settling In
Yesterday was the big move. Big being a relative term when you're talking about four blocks. The new neighborhood has an interesting history and a bright future, but right now I'm just trying to find where we packed the Tylenol since my back is killing me. January 23, 2004
Everybody Comes to Washington
DC politics has gone Hollywood. Too bad we don't have any real actors to take over for real politicians. Though, Kathleen Turner did live in DC for a few months I believe. Addendum: It occurs to me that while DC isn't known for its actors, we do have a lot of kickass musicians who could use this recall effort as their own celebrity coup. I predict the next mayor will be a member of one of the following groups: Fugazi, Bad Brains, E.U., Deep Dish, Thievery Corporation, or Rare Essence. Or maybe Johnny Gill. Doubleplus Addendum: How could I have forgotten about that other DC-based musical genius Bob Mould? Especially considering the better half was at Blowoff last night as I came up with that list. Truth be told, though, he is a recent addition to DC so he may, like Hillary, have to fight off that carpetbagger image. January 22, 2004
From the Arabic for "Storehouse"
As I was flipping through the latest issue of Paper on the Metro this morning, I grew increasingly aware that the cover, with its fluffy pink hearts and the smiling visage of Pharrell Williams, looked very much like that of a Tigerbeat. I suddenly didn't care that Pharrell doesn't drink or drug and does 400 sit-ups daily. I began to feel like everyone on the train was thinking I'm some sort of boy-crazy deviant. Then I realized they'd be right and flipped back to read Moby's love letter to John Waters. I love magazines. If I could, I would subscribe to every one (which I think he does). I'm always on the lookout for cool new magazines too. If you have any favorites, I'd love to hear about them.
Cheer Up
One of the little-known keys to happiness is being able to look yourself in the mirror and say this: I'm sexy! I'm cute! I'm popular to boot! I'm bitchin'! Great hair! The boys all like to stare! If you can say it with sarcasm and earnestness simultaneously, you're my kind of people. January 21, 2004
Norma Rae Never Addressed This
I usually don't talk about my job. Mainly because it's boring. Today, though, I'll make an exception to address one thing I think the Department of Labor needs to outlaw: forced workplace singing. The director of my office is stepping down and tomorrow there will be a luncheon in his honor. He's a great guy and perhaps the best boss I've ever had (translation: not in any way shape or form a micromanager). Rather than just say a few nice words and enjoy the good food, my coworkers want us to sing. One of them has re-written "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" with office in-jokes and we're all supposed to sing along. I don't like singing at work. I like singing in the shower, splashing around to the latest Britney. I can really belt out some Rufus Wainwright when I'm zooming down the BW Parkway. But I draw the line in the office. I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but most people can't sing. I certainly can't. In high school musicals, I was always given a nice non-singing role. For Applause, I was cast as Howard Benedict, a powerful producer. A powerful producer who only had to sing two lines in the whole play: I've seen the Taj Mahal at dawn, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon But nothing compares to Miss Channing when she's on. In the thirteen years since those words atonally tripped from my mouth, I only sing "Happy Birthday" in public, and even then in the most sotto sotto voce you can imagine. Of course, after watching American Idol last night, I can't imagine that I'm any worse than most of the kids who hitched their dreams to that star. I should tape that for moments when I have doubts about my abilities. When I have the worst writer's block and feel like every word I chose is crap, I could watch some white trash boy from Alabama butcher "Somewhere Out There" and suddenly my verbal skills would seem golden again. As a complete tangent, last night on AI, as I watched that poor, deluded girl who lost 80 lbs (and didn't need surgery to do it, dawg!) and sang "Flashdance," I realized that when I was a kid I misunderstood the lyrics to that song. I always though the line "take your passion / and make it happen" was "take your pants off / and make it happen." Makes for a more interesting song, if you ask me. Black Sheep of the Day: Cosmopolitan. Sure it's a tasty drink, but the magazine seems to have no taste whatsoever. In calling Matthew Perry "the epitome of a hot Cosmo male" and naming him their "Fun Fearless Male for 2004," Cosmo is dead wrong. Personally, I think we should all take a twenty to thirty year hiatus from any of the Friends. More importantly, though, how "fun" and "fearless" is someone who runs away crying when a bunch of kids call him a fat ass druggie? January 20, 2004
Amazing, But True
With his win in yesterday's Iowa caucuses, John F. Kerry is attracting quite a bit of attention. With his New England demeanor, rich wife, and PT-109esque heroics, some are even comparing him to that other JFK. Did you know... that Kerry dated Jacqueline Bouvier's half sister in 1962? And JFK "dated" her in 1961? that Kerry and John Kennedy's names both have consonants and vowels in them? that Kerry's favorite MTV VJ was Kennedy? And JFK lost his virginity at a Cary Grant movie? that Kerry has been endorsed by Uma Thurman and Jamie Lee Curtis, both of whom have flown through JFK? that Kerry marched for the Equal Rights Amendment in New York in 1971? And that JFK was nailing Marilyn Monroe in LA in 1961? that Kerry sometimes vents his brain on his blog? And that JFK's brain vented in some globs on his wife's dress? January 19, 2004
Four Cents
Saturday night, John Waters said he's worried that we're not doing enough to encourage reading. How does he suggest we remedy this? "If you go home with someone from a bar and you see that they don't have any books in their apartment, don't fuck them." This evening, on my hands and knees, coughing through the sawdust, the thought entering my sweaty little head was that glueless laminate floor systems are like jigsaw puzzles for adults. Really, really boring adults. January 16, 2004
Irony Bored
I'm not an urban hipster. Really, I'm not. I just play one on this web site from time to time. Sure, you could knock off four or five squares on this game thanks to me, but it's not like I planned it that way. So when I was trying to find out more about my plans for this weekend to see John Waters' World of Trash, imagine my surprise to find dchipster.com. I so have a love/hate vibe going with this. Black sheep of the day: crazy Michael Jackson fans. Don't you have better things to do? Like shop for hoodies and old-school vans? January 15, 2004
We Make Holes in Teeth
Thanks to SilverGirl for calling my attention to the District of Columbia Voters Guide. She and I both received our copies of this wonderful booklet in the mail on the day of the primary. Way to spread the word DC Board of Elections and Ethics! It's not like most people in DC don't get their mail until they come home from work at 7:00 or later (don't let that fleecing of America talk fool you--this is a city of boring workaholics). So after I had already voted in the evening, I tossed the guide aside in a pile of credit card applications and liberal organizations who've spent much of my donations asking for more money as opposed to actually defending the first amendment or feeding people with AIDS. I was wrong to do so. Yesterday, she asked, did you see the tooth guy's thing? Visions of the Crest Cavity Creeps sprang to mind. So this morning, I checked it out. Oh my. Vermin Supreme, well he's just a peach. Here are some snippets from his candidate statement (the whole thing is available on page 15 of this PDF of the booklet): "Proper dental hygiene is essential to proper social order." "Effective use of tarter control will prevent the need for crowd control later." "For too long this great nation of ours has been suffering a great moral and oral decay in spirit and incisors. A country's future depends on its ability to bite back. We can no longer be a nation indentured, our very salivation is at stake. Therefore we must brace ourselves, bite the bullet, and now more than ever, as we hurdle forward over the bridgework into the twentythird century, may we become together a nation of gleaming smiles from sea to shining sea. THROUGH WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY FALSE TEETH PROPHETS!" "All politicians are vermin. I am Vermin Supreme." And to think I could have voted for him had I only had the book in time. Such a shame. January 14, 2004
The Night Michael Musto Kissed Me
Okay, I really do like gossip. It's silly and stupid. I like to be the one to say to my friends, "Do you know what I heard...." I like it when my friends email me, "So, baby, what's her story?" It's my mindless escape into pop culture. I read Page Six. I check in on the datalounge forums. I am not ashamed. I'm happy to say after far too long the Washington Post has a new Reliable Source, Richard Leiby. It's about damn time. I was starting to read the gossip column in Government Computer News, but it just wasn't cutting it. I'll be reading, Mr. Leiby. Let's hope you don't disappoint.
Who Knew?
Since I've already pointed to Wes Clark shirtless, in the interest of fairness, I present Howard Dean shirtless (found via Gawker). A mere 15 searches seperate the two in my shirtless straw poll. This just might tip the balance.
Second-Class Primary
Last night, I voted. I bet you didn't know.  The sign of a true Civics geek. Those fighting to call attention to DC's lack of voting representation in Congress thought that moving our primary to be before New Hampshire and Iowa might drum up some coverage. I think they were wrong as I've yet to see any big splash. Maybe because it wasn't even a real primary since the DNC is a bunch of tools when it comes to actually doing anything about voting rights for DC. The RNC, on the other hand, is a bunch of tools when it comes to doing anything. As a result of the "me-first" attitudes of Iowa and New Hampshire, last night wasn't a true primary but rather an advisory election for non-binding such and such, blah, blah, blah. Wes Clark, John Edwards, Dickie Gephardt, John Kerry, and Joe Lieberman weren't even on the ballot. GO DEMOCRACY!! Check out this blog for more information on the primary as protest or this site for more info on voting rights in DC And if you're so inclined (and have a voting representative in the US Congress) you may want to let her or him know that it's a little ridiculous for us to fight for democracy all over the world when we can't guarantee it to all of our citizens at home. January 13, 2004
Say It Don't Spray It... Well Maybe Just This Once
When I was younger, I used to love seeing the graffiti from the Metro. The work of Cool "Disco" Dan is probably the most famous. I loved the colors, the stylized lettering, the patience and stealth required to hit some of those spots. And with Disco Dan, the sheer volume of his work was most impressive. Lately, I've complained that NORES and KOMA have trashed the city. Maybe I'm getting old, or maybe I just got really pissed that they ruined a really cool old ad painted on the side of a storage warehouse at 14th & U. It was beautiful and old and part of me wondered if it was there when Duke played and Ella sang and my imagination went wild in a smoky dream. But now it's ruined. So I started to think graffiti was nothing but vandalism. Today, though, I reconsidered my position. On the Red Line heading north, between Union Station and Brookland/CUA, in simple black, it read, "Fuck John Ashcroft." I really need to carry my camera more often. January 12, 2004
Elsewhere
Sorry, I'm boring today. I'm right now going through a spreadsheet of mailing lists from five different departments to weed out dupli-, tripli-, quadruplicates. Big fun. And there are no funny stories in 18 hours of weekend home improvement. Here are some other people who are more interesting right now.... You needn't worry about Paul's monster at the end of his blog, I think it's just a ruse to scare the timid away. But I highly recommend you check out his recent "I remember" posts which have jolted me with lots of smiles and little bits of sad from my own past. Ray is back. If I could hug him right now, I would. Of course, I'll probably have to wait until someone from out of town is here until I see him again. Either that or promise lots of fried chicken. Andy has given me hope of my secret boyfriend Jake playing a gay cowboy. Yippie-ki-yea! Someone get Jimbo a vat of aloe vera gel, stat. And finally, sometimes, it's best to keep your nominations for the bloggies (which close tonight at 10 PM EST, by the way--not that I care, of course) to yourself.
Random Thought of the Weekend
I've been painting for ten hours. My wrists haven't been this tired since high school. January 09, 2004
Mo' Money, Mo' Problems
After watching The Apprentice last night, I finally understood what Biggie was trying to say. There comes a time when you have so much money, everyone around you is too afraid to tell you how fucking ridiculous your hair looks.  January 08, 2004
Scared Shirtless
While Wes Clark pulls closer to Howard Dean in many polls, Dean is narrowing the gap between him and Clark in the shirtless straw poll. Results as of 8 January 2004 at 10:30 AM EST: Shirtless Wesley Clark: 47 Shirtless Howard Dean: 31 Shirtless John Edwards: 6 Shirtless John Kerry: 1 Shirtless Al Sharpton: 1 Shirtless Carol Moseley Braun: 0 Shirtless Dick Gephardt: 0 Shirtless Dennis Kucinich: 0 Shirtless Joe Lieberman: 0 Surprisingly, this isn't far from my own feelings about the pool about now. I detest Lieberman and Gephardt. I can't see any world in which Kucinich, Moseley Braun, or Sharpton win. Edwards and Kerry don't do much for me, but I don't discount them completely. So it's down to Clark or Dean, Dean or Clark. We'll see what happens. One thing I won't do, though, is give money to any candidate until after the convention. Last go-round, I donated to Bill Bradley's campaign in the primary season. Then I donated the same amount to Gore for the general election. Seeing the nasty war chest the Bushies are building up, however, I think it makes more sense for me to save my precious pennies and give as much as possible to the eventual Democratic king or queen of the hill. In other shirtless news.... I get a lot of shirtless queries. Sure, you mention "Shirtless Men Drink Free" night at the Green Lantern a few times and the whole interweb thinks you're some sort of primary source. So, about these shirtless seekers--some make a lot of sense to me. Shirtless Jake Gyllenhaal, Luke Recker, Andy Roddick, Nick Stahl. Heck, I can even see the shirtless Anderson Cooper queries (which, if you must know, can be found here). Today, though, I received a "Donald Trump, shirtless" search. The mental image alone is making me reconsider homosexuality. January 07, 2004
I Have a WONDERFUL Idea for "The Simple Life II"
Let's see, if we take Jenna and Barbara Bush (or J&B as their closest friends and bartenders call them) and put them in the middle of nowhere--oh wait, they're already from Texas.... Okay, so we make them live with a Mormon family in rural Utah and see how long it takes before one of them ditches her Secret Service detail to go puff ganja with Ashton and Demi. It's funny 'cause it's true.  January 06, 2004
Worst Episode Ever
I've never been a huge fan of Washingtonian magazine. It's at its best when reviewing restaurants. When trying to stay current, well, it's just so DC. Take for example, their list of Ins and Outs. Where to begin? Blogs, South Beach diet, Nick & Jessica, Pabst Blue Ribbon, The O.C., Carson Kressly, and Watching Paris are so very much 2003. I mean, really, PBR? Who tipped them off to that, some kid in a trucker hat listening to the Postal Service on his iPod? Sometimes when I'm talking to my friend Jason in New York I ask what's big there so I can prepare myself for what will be hip in DC six months later. And just about now, someone, somewhere in Adams Morgan is opening their brand new neighborhoodie. Secretly, though, this is why I love DC. I wasn't always the coolest kid in school, but I was the coolest one in the student government association. Pardon me while I go see someone about removing this tongue from my cheek. Black sheep of the day this newly "gay" man. I'm sorry your tat got botched, but you should have been embarrassed long before the surgery. January 03, 2004
Be It Resolved
After a few months totally falling in love with the eyes of these two men, I've decided that 2004 will mean a lot more time with me and my camera. So here are a few moments from my New Year's Eve... 
Flashback
While cleaning for the big move, I found a clip of mine from the December 1989 issue of the Beacon, my high school newspaper. Decade in Review As the ball drops in New York City on December 31, we will be leaving the 1980s. Looking back, well, let's just say the nineties have to be better.
My sense of humor has changed very little in fourteen years. I'm not so sure that's a bad thing. At least my topics have changed. I mean, when's the last time I made fun of pop stars and politicians? |
Sister Bernadette's Barking Dog: The Quirky History and Lost Art of Diagramming Sentences - Kitty Burns Florey  Sublimation Point - Jason Schneiderman 
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